love, light, & Jesus

Angkor Wat

Before coming to Cambodia this summer, I thought I had a pretty decent understanding of what it looks like, tangibly, to love Jesus and to love people. Yet, it seems that I still have more to learn (of course). Since arriving, the Lord has dismantled, piece by piece, what I thought loving & serving meant. The first two weeks I felt like I had done nothing. And then He began to open my eyes as I looked about me. And I saw Jesus everywhere. He was in the faces of the boys smiling at us each morning, clambering all over our Tuk Tuk as we pulled up to the center. He was in the staff who patiently wrangled a couple dozen little ones in the playroom every day. He was in the director who has committed her entire life to fighting for these kids; to protect them, love them, and teach them about Jesus. He was everywhere. In the days without schedules, in the moment to moment changes in plans, in the chaos of dozens of little feet thundering up and down the stairs during class rotation. He was in the discipleship class and in the playroom. In the street and out along the riverfront. He was in my housemates and our Khmer friends at work. He was in me too.

It is often easy, I think, to see the Jesus in others. I see Him so clearly in the people I live with & work with. They have such a deep love for the Lord and it spills into their daily actions and choices. The tone of respect & love with which they speak to one another, the patience with which they teach and interact with the kids at the center, and the joy they find in the small things. Each day we relish the small joys, the tiny triumphs, the most mundane of successes. These are the miracles, the blessings beyond compare that keep the darkness at bay.

Don’t get me wrong, we love what we do. Truly. We are all glad the Lord has brought us here. But we feel the weight of the darkness that surrounds us. And some days, for me most days, I’m at a loss as to what I should think & feel. My heart breaks for the broken people of Cambodia, especially the little boys & girls we work with at the center. Their reality is often a living nightmare. And we have the opportunity to love them in the midst of that, to teach them, play with them, and laugh with them. To help them know beyond doubt that there is a safe place for them, if only for a few hours of the day. A place where they are not threatened or exploited, a place where they are loved & respected, a place where they can be kids.

The Lord is so present here. His sons & daughters in Cambodia have hearts of love & devotion to the Lord. I expect to be amazed by what God is going to continue to work through His people in Cambodia. I pray that his sons & daughters will continue to rise up and bless His name, to continue in their love for the broken and the lost.

Perhaps this is a western misconception, but do you ever fall into the lie that in darkness there can be no light, no joy? I fall for that lie. And these last few weeks have done wonders to debunk it. Here, especially in our work which hold it’s share of weighty matters and of dark things, there is much joy and light. There is great sense of life in Cambodia. One of my favorite theologians says that “light is the mother of life.” (John O’Donohue) and I have found this true time and again. Light fosters life. Here, amid the brokenness, there is great light and joy. Because you know what? God is good. And He is here. He has not forgotten the people of Cambodia. He loves them with an undying love. He is drawing them to himself, one by one. And where Jesus is, there is light, and where there is light the darkness loses it’s power. And if that’s not cause for hope & joy, I don’t know what is.

After a storm

There is one body and one spirit—just as you were called to one hope when you were called—one Lord, one faith, one baptism; one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all.  –Ephesians 4:4-6

not your thoughts

I nearly laughed out loud at the market today while admiring beautiful handcrafted silk banners printed with bible verses. Flipping through the banners on display, a bright teal banner caught my eye. It was printed in English & Khmer with Isaiah 55:8 & 9:

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are my ways your ways." declares the Lord. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts."

If any scripture could summarize this journey to Cambodia, that would be it. The Lord told me to come, and I came. Riding in our Tuk Tuk this afternoon with Noelle & Gretchen, I confessed that I still do not understand why the Lord brought me here. That reality frustrates me, but the awesome things is this: it doesn't matter. Because the Lord's thoughts are not mine. His ways are so far beyond what I can see, or know, or understand. And as much and as often that frustrates me, it is good. The Lord is good. And He has ben breaking down what I thought I understood about loving him & serving him. He has leveled what I thought I knew about loving Jesus and loving people. And that is so very good. And the best part? He's beginning to rebuild it. More to come on that later.

It's hard to believe only a week remains of my time in Cambodia. These last three weeks have been wonderful, challenging, exhausting, tearful, encouraging, difficult & restful by turns. Most of my working hours are spent at Punlok Thmey, HPC's boys center. PT is near the riverfront, a block or two over from Phnom Penh's red light district. The boys are a handful and so wonderful. It's a joy to see their smiling faces each day as they tumble over each other coming through the front door. As HPC prepares to open a girls center this fall, we have been able to hold a girls class at the boys center. Anywhere from five to fifteen girls come monday through thursday for a couple hours in the morning. We have small classroom where Gretchen & Noelle teach the girls english, make crafts that reflect their english lesson, color & paint pictures, and learn about Jesus. Last week, I was able to help out with the girls class a few days. What a gift! The girls are fantastic and HPC is looking forward with great anticipation to opening a center just for girls this year.

The days here have very little routine, at least for me. This has been a struggle in the sense that I feel more productive with a routine. The Lord has been teaching me alot about usefulness and how I perceive the value of my time and energy. Many days, I feel as though I have done nothing, invested nothing, loved no one. But feelings are deceptive. The truth is, each day has been worthwhile. Even if all I do is be present to help a staffer, or to encourage them, the day is well spent. The Khmer (Cambodian) staff at HPC work very hard and I am encouraged so much from working alongside them, seeing their love for the Lord and their willingness to invest in the kids at the center. Their work is exhausting; physically, mentally, & spiritually. To be immersed each day in teaching kids, investing in them, knowing all the time that they are going home in the evening to possibly be sold for sex, is overwhelming. It has been for me, and i've only worked here for three weeks. The staff have such compassionate hearts and deal with such darkness on a day to day basis. I am amazed by their dedication and I am deeply encouraged by them. Each work day here, we see smiling faces & bright eyes. Many of those same smiling faces are exploited. Frequently. And still the Lord is good.

Though it has only been three weeks, I feel as though I have been in Cambodia much longer. The house of interns & staff have made me feel welcomed and part of the "family" from day one. I will sorely miss them when I return to the states. Am I ready to come home? I am home. Remarkable, isn't it, how you can suddenly come home in the most unexpected places. Here in Phnom Penh, very little is familiar to my western life experience. The commute to work is by Tuk-Tuk, the streets are flooded with motorbikes, anything can be bought at the market instead of a store, and the river by my house smells like rotting garbage. Toto, we're not in Kansas anymore! Yet, here in the heat & the dirt, the sunshine & the narrow streets, and frequent downpours, I've come home. Though it's only for a short season, my soul is refreshed to belong somewhere. In the midst of the craziest, busiest, most packed summer of my life, the swirling waters of change have calmed for these few weeks.

While I'm here, allow me to introduce to you my awesome HPC family (some of them anyway!). My first weekend in Phnom Penh the interns (minus one) and our house papa, Derek, went to a photo studio and took family photos in traditional Khmer fancy dress (well, wedding clothes if we're being precise).

Intern family! Ben, Me, Derek, Noelle, Josh, & Gretchen!

I love these guys & gals. They love Jesus, they love people, and they are deeply passionate about ending sex trafficking. So blessed by these amazing men & women!

All Things Considered

“An inconvenience is an adventure wrongly considered.”

Can’t for the life of me recall who said it first, but they were right. The thing is, I find it all too easy to “wrongly consider” the adventures that come my way. Fortunately, the Lord provides opportunities to practice right consideration and find the enjoyment and moments of light in the midst of spontaneous adventure.

For example: At the moment, I am hanging out in the terminal at Taipei airport. Thirty hours and counting. Three planes. I don’t know how many time zones. I’ve slept, ate, read books, watched movies, made frantic calls to re-arrange flights after delayed connections, and made some new friends. And i’m still smiling. I cannot deny that I have shed a few tears of frustration and weariness along the way, but all in all, I have no regrets and I wouldn’t change a thing. Though by the time my next flight boards in about ten hours, I may have other thoughts. We’ll see....

Fun Fact: Taipei airport has a library in Terminal 2. A real library. With real shelves, full of real paper books. How awesome is that?!?

36

Yesterday, my best friend married the love of her life. It was a beautiful day full of Jesus. The bride was stunning as she and her father made their way down the gently sloping lawn under the natural cathedral of trees towards the flower draped arbor where the groom awaited. The ceremony was moving and everyone cried. We took plenty of pictures and smiled till our faces hurt. It was a lovely celebration of marriage and the beautiful picture it paints of Christ and the church. I'm so happy for her and so proud!

As she embarks on the adventure of life with her new husband, I'm embarking on a different sort of adventure. In about 36 hours, I depart for Cambodia. Wow. That snuck up on me! I can hardly believe i'm leaving in less than two days. yikes!

While the logistical end of the trip is pretty much set, I feel completely unprepared otherwise. My heart is very willing and I am still very excited about this opportunity. But I don't feel ready. My emotions are drained, my body is weary, and my mind is cluttered. But it's never been about me. And the Lord is faithful to remind me of that fact :) It's ok if I don't know all there is to know about Cambodia, about it's people, or about it's history. What better way to learn than by going? It's ok that I have no clue how best to love and minister to those affected by sex trafficking. What better way to learn than by doing?

I'm so encouraged by my friends already in Cambodia, by hearing their stories of the challenges and the blessings the Lord has gifted them with during their time with HPC. I can hardly wait to join them, no matter how unprepared I feel. It's all about Jesus and it's going to be so very good.

blessed days

Hello everyone! This was going to be my first post about Cambodia and all the steps that have lead to pursuing my internship with Hard Places Community. But I'm going to divert for the moment, because in the last 24 hour I've been blown away. Awed. Overwhelmed. Moved to tears. By the astounding and abundant love of my Jesus. And I can't keep silent.

Last weekend marked the end of a rough week in our house. Between me & my wonderful roommate Ally, we had heads & hearts full of weighty stuff for longer than we could stand. It was pretty miserable for a little while. But as i've heard (and found to be true) nothing in this life lasts. The good & bad alike end. The joy & the sorrow come and go, each in their time and their season.

Yesterday, I hung out with Jesus in one of my favorite wild places (well, as close to a wild place as you can get in Nashville). A few miles of trail & alot of prayers later, I was overwhelmed with the realization that the details and nitty-gritty of my life, the moments of frustration and hurt and confusion aren't worth half the energy I put into agonizing over them. Because no matter how big the struggle appears, Jesus is bigger. And in the end, it's not about me. My life is not my own. So it's not the end of the world if i'm left without answers, if my heart gets broken, if I feel neglected or abandoned by someone i care about. It's not about me. And it's not about whoever done me wrong. It's never about us. Its always Jesus. And his presence, his love, overshadows the worst of my fears, the deepest of my hurts, and the brightest of my joys. With that understanding comes a depth of peace that astounds the mind. I don't get to decide who cherishes me, or who hurts me. I don't get to decide how the story ends.  I get to love Jesus and watch the story be written. And it will be a good story, even if I get hurt or disappointed along the way. There will be days (like last week!) when i'm done in, when the struggle is too much and i'll be frustrated and angry. But those are days, not forevers.

And there's something else that popped up on the radar today: God provides. I know, that sounds obvious. But don't you ever catch yourself wondering if he really will? I do. More often than I care to admit. And lately, i've been wondering alot if he would provide and how. And today he showed up in an unexpected way. In a beautiful way. With one fell swoop he provided what I knew I needed and what I didn't know I needed until it was provided.

So that brings me here, to this moment of peace and awe. Of wondering why on earth I have been blessed so deeply, when deserving so little.


"Sometimes, I need only to stand wherever I am to be blessed." ~ Mary Oliver

peace

In the last few weeks, everything I thought I understood about grace, woundedness, healing, change, and love has been challenged. Everything that was solid became flimsy and I found myself saying 'yes' to the most frightening moment of obedience I have ever faced. It was terrifying. It was exhilarating. It was pain-filled. It was wounding. And yet, in the midst of soul pain deeper than anything I had imagined possible, in the midst of a hurt so deep and heavy it often feels as though I’ll be crushed beneath it, there is another element at work. Jesus. In the depths of my soul, deeper within than I thought the extent of my soul even reached, the peace of Jesus is dwelling. It is that unwavering peace, the one that little children sing about in Sunday school...

"I've got the peace that passes understanding down in my heart."

This peace is undeniably wonderful. It is a purveyor of life and hope. It comforts in the moments when sadness rolls over me in waves, threatening to drown my soul in sorrow. It gives joy and even happiness when the sadness abates and the light comes in. Rumi said that the wound is the place where the light enters you. I never understood this before. But now, it is clear. We must sometimes say yes to being wounded, to being broken. Because it allows the light to enter us. I do such an excellent job at duck taping myself together, trying to avoid dents and scratches and broken parts when the best thing is only found in being broken. Broken for ourselves, for our loved ones, for strangers. To be fully broken, so that we may be fully healed. 

The growth I feel happening in my soul is beyond my understanding. The pain is exhausting, the growth astounding. The work that Jesus is doing in me is being wrought by many elements. There is of course, Jesus himself, in all his love and grace and glory. And there are the beautiful souls by whom I am surrounded. Some who share my home, others who share different parts of my life; all are present, loving me and encouraging me as I struggle. Reminding me of the peace that, in moments of deep sadness, I willfully overlook. Reminding me of the growth, the grace, the good change happening through the pain; a change so deep and good that it could not have come through any other means.

For the Interim Time

When near the end of day, life has drained
Out of light, and it is too soon
For the mind of night to have darkened things,

No place looks like itself, loss of outline
Makes everything look strangely in-between,
Unsure of what has been, or what might come.

In this wan light, even trees seem groundless.
In a while it will be night, but nothing
Here seems TO believe the relief of dark.

You are in this time of interim
Where everything seems withheld.

The path you took to get here has washed out;
The way forward is still concealed from you.

"The old is not old enough to have died away;
The new is still too young to be born."

You cannot lay claim to anything;
In this place of dusk.
Your eyes are blurred;
And there is no mirror.

Everyone else has lost sight of your heart
And you can see nowhere to put your trust;
You know you have to make your own way through.

As far as you can, hold your confidence.
Do not allow your confusion to squander
This call which is loosening
Your roots in false ground,
That you might come free
From all you have outgrown.

What is being transfigured here is your mind.
And it is difficult and slow to become new.
The more faithfully you can endure here,
The more refined your heart will become
For your arrival in the new dawn.



~John O'Donohue, For the Interim Time, To Bless The Space Between Us