the crickets have the answer

A chorus of bugs murmur outside my house, their voices floating in through our screen door. The sun set hours ago and as hard as I have tried, I can't focus on homework. A question plays in my head, like a broken record that repeats the same scrap of melody over and over....What are you doing Lord? I really don't get it...what are you doing? The night answers in wordless bug song and guitar strumming filters through a closed  door...look about you. take stock. watch me...and wait.


I am a planner. I like making 'To Do' lists every day, sometimes separate lists for each part of the day. I have separate lists of homework for each class, lists for free time, lists for grocery shopping, lists for paying bills and doing my budget. Lists for long-term and short-term life goals, lists of books to read, and my favorite, a bucket list. I do not like living without a plan. Just to clarify, in the end it doesn't bother me if the plan changes (my plans usually do. mostly because Jesus thinks He has a better idea. And let's face it, He's always right.) I like having a plan to give me direction so I can move forward in what I feel is an efficient manner. And I expect my plan to get blown to smithereens at some point. I am OK with this. This is a system I understand.


Pondering the age old question of life post-college, it seemed reasonable to make a plan. Nothing big, just a little something to help me not freak out over the blank slate of the future. So I started concocting a plan....until that still small voice said stop. wait, what? but I like plans. Plans are good for me. They keep from getting stuck in ruts. That's good, right? no. but-- no buts. stop. What do I do without a plan? you don't need one. i got this. just watch me. don't make a plan.


This was a new experience for me. Usually I make my little plan, start walking and He gives me a shove in whatever direction I am supposed to go. Now though, it seems God has a new tactic. Whatever is coming, I feel like it's going to be more than a shove can guide me through. So when asked the question (and it's asked often), the conversation goes something like this:


person: so, what are your plans after graduation?
me: I don't have a plan. Jesus said I'm not allowed.
person: *insert blank stare*


I desperately want to make a plan. But I won't. For some reason that I do not see or comprehend, God is asking me to trust in His faithfulness. He is faithful. He provides for the crickets outside my door and how much more will he provide for me? I have no idea what is coming. Wether it's a wild adventure on the other side of the globe or simply ordinary days spent pursuing the lover of my soul, I am getting excited. I am terrified because I do not understand. And I am excited, because I do not have to.